Jaune AMERICA
by JC of the Corn
Summary: Jaune is losing his match against Cardin, when a power inside of him is unlocked...the power...of FREEDOM! Drunk crack fic
1. America FUCK YEAH!

**Here I am, slightly drunk, and writing this story because I felt like it. And I was watching Team America: World Police. And also because I'm mad that I didn't finish this story in time for Fourth Of July, so I have to publish this before I turn in my freedom card and my guns out of shame.**

* * *

 **JAUNE**

"Dang it..." Jaune was running out of aura, and he still hadn't won his match against Cardin.

"Geez P-Money, Jaune is still having a hard time against Cardin, its almost like he's Jaune's Kryptonite." Nora said as Pyrrha gave her a confused look.

"What the hell is kryptonite?" She asked her friend.

"Oh wait, thats right, we're a web series, never mind!" Nora said to herself as she had a day dream about running around with Ren and a guy in red and black suit who was crazy and broke the fourth wall.

"Still doesn't change the fact that he's losing." Weiss said as she felt slight disgust.

How could someone trained by Pyrrha Nikos be this bad in a fight? She knew Jaune was training with Pyrrha, after all, she had secretly been watching them train on the roof at night, hoping that Pyrrha would let her join. Not that she had a crazy fan girl obsession with the mistralian champion or anything. She just wanted to know what it was like to train with the Champ. The fact that she keeps a picture of Pyrrha on the Pumpkins's pete box under her pillow had absolutely nothing to do with obsession of any kind.

"Come on, maybe something cool will happen." Ruby said as Weiss scoffed.

"I doubt it, he's about finished." Weiss said as Jaune was out of breath.

 _"Come on! I can't lose to Cardin again, Pyrrha has trained me so hard, even at her own expense, I can't afford to be weak now...there must be something I can do!"_ Jaune thought to himself as Cardin was preparing his mace for the final blow.

"Looks like you lose again Jauney Boy." Cardin said with that cocky smirk.

"Maybe I'll take your sword as a souvenir." He said as he swung his mace back.

"You can take my sword, when you pry it from my COLD DEAD HANDS!" He yelled as Cardin scoffed.

"That can be arranged." He said as he swung at Jaune.

 _"Crap! This can't be it! What do I do...what do I...hey whats that?"_ He thought as he saw something perched on the window.

"Its...Its beautiful." Jaune said as he took notice.

There was an eagle, but not just an eagle, an eagle with a white head, with piercing eyes that told you that if you messed with it, it would FUCK YOU UP! Jaune could feel the power radiating off of it. Its majestic caws reaching his ears, and they sounded like sweet honey to him. Almost as if everything was right in the world. And suddenly Jaune felt a connection to the Eagle. A craving to get to know the eagle. Suddenly, the Eagle's eyes widened and it gave off another caw as it flew towards him at break neck speeds.

"You're dead now Jauney boy!" Cardin yelled as the mace was about to connect with his head.

Only for the eagle to fly into Jaune, and a large flash of light to suddenly engulf the entire arena. Cardin was blown back and blinded by the sheerforce.

"What the hell is that noise?!" Professor Goodwitch yelled as she was covering her eyes, the light being too glorious and powerful for even her experienced eyes to comprehend.

 _"O Say can you see..."_ They heard a wonderful song start to be played as the light started to die down.

 _"By the dawn's early light..."_ The song brought warmth to everyone's hearts, as the tune invoked in them a feeling of freedom.

The light died down to reveal Jaune...Only he wasn't Jaune.

Jaune's once scraggly hair was not cut down to a buzz cut, his armor had been replaced by a tank top with the picture of an elderly man on it wearing a life preserver while riding a shark through the air while firing two revolvers into the air like a bad ass. **(1)** His jeans had been replaced by tiger stripe camouflage that looked like it was meant to blend it to heavy woodland areas. His sneakers had been replaced by black jungle boots. If that wasn't enough, he also had a bandana wrapped around his head that had a pattern of stars and stripes. But what really caught everyone's attention was what was in his hands.

In one hand he held a BIG ASS MACHINE GUN, it looked to be attached to a belt of bullets which were going to do a lot more than hurt his opponent, it would straight up tear him a new asshole **(2).** In his other hand, he held what appeared to be a regular revolver, but what they didn't know was that this was a 44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world. In other words, in a few seconds, Cardin would have to ask himself a very simple question.

"Do you feel lucky?" Jaune asked as Cardin looked confued.

"Uh what?" He asked as Jaune's eyes lit up with the power of freedom.

"Well...DO YA PUNK?!" He yelled as he suddenly opened fire at Cardin.

"Oh shit!" He yelled as he ran away screaming like a little girl.

"YAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!" Jaune yelled out as he was firing every single bullet he had out of his big ass machine gun.

Meanwhile, everyone else was wondering what the hell was going on? First Jaune was losing. Now he was toying with cardin as he unloaded load after load into his ass. Pyrrha was at a loss for words, all she knew was that she was gripping the railing so tight, that she was starting to bend it. She didn't know why, but she had a sudden urge to run down there and mount Jaune and ride him until he died. Ren for some reason felt a sudden urge to punch a filthy commie bastard in the face. And he didn't even know what a commie was. Nora was completely unaffected as she knew this was going to happen.

"FUCK YEAH MERICA!" Jaune yelled out as he fired his 44 at Cardin.

"PROFESSOR! I QUIT!" Cardin yelled out as Goodwitch tried to call the match.

"SHUT YOUR COMMIE MOUTH!" Jaune yelled as Goodwitch was stunned into silence.

 _"What the hell is going on? Why is Jaune suddenly so brave, so amazing, and so hot...wait! did I really just think that! Oh god what is happening to me!"_ Goodwitch thought as Jaune flashed her a grin.

Only for the power of Freedom to completely overwhelm her and she ended up fainting. NOW THAT, was something nobody saw happen.

"PLEASE STOP! I SURRENDER!" Cardin yelled out as Jaune closed in on him.

"THIS AIN'T FRANCE!" Jaune yelled as Cardin's aura was running low.

Cardin resigned himself to his fate, he had already taken quite a pounding from Jaune's giant gun, and while his armor was enough protection to prevent him from taking any permanent damage, he was certain that he wasn't going to be able to walk properly in the morning, that is if he didn't die today. So he just started crying to himself as he couldn't believe this was how he was going to die.

But then...Jaune froze. He gained a look of horror on his face. And he looked up to the sky with a sense of right and wrong fueling his desires.

"I must go! My fellow Americans need me!" He yelled as Pyrrha tried to speak to him.

"But Jaune! Who are the Americ-" Suddenly Jaune sprouted Eagle wings and took off into the skies.

"HOLY SHIT! WHERE CAN I LEARN TO DO THAT?!" Everyone turned to look towards who made the noise.

Only to see that shockingly, Professor Ozpin had come out to see the latest matches, and they saw him admiring Jaune from a distance.

"What? Eagle wings are awesome!" He said as he took a sip of coffee, only for everyone to facepalm.

Suddenly Jaune was back again, and he had two people with him, but they had bags over their heads, so nobody could see who they were.

"I HAVE BROUGHT YOU HERE TO CONFESS TO YOUR CRIMES!" He yelled out as he pulled off the bag of one of the people, now revealed to be a woman.

A very unattractive and scary looking woman that is, she looked like the kind of woman who would be a villian in a Harry Potter film. Her twisted smile made it look like she was going to kill you and eat your soul at a moment's notice.

"You can't do this to me! My husband was president! And I am a woman!" She yelled as everyone covered their ears at the shrill voice.

"You have commited crimes against America and her people! What say you in your defense?!" He said as the woman attempted to speak.

"Well I think..." She said as she was suddenly kicked out of the arena and launched into the sky.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!" A large muscular man who Yang actually purred at and tried to pounce on said as Jaune gave him a fist bump.

"Thanks for the help Dwayne." He said as the man smiled.

"No problem Jaune, Now I got to get back before Kevin throws a fit at being left alone again." Dwayne said as he suddenly opened a portal and walked through it.

"And now for this asshole!" Jaune said as he pulled off the bag on the other person.

Only to reveal an elderly man who seemed to have a very, VERY bad hairpeace. And for some odd reason, his skin was orange. Why the hell was he orange? Did he work for Willy Wonka in the chocolate factory or something?

"Okay buddy, listen, I'm really rich, I mean I'm really rich, I think I can solve this problem easily, you see the problem here is that, we don't have a wall, so lets build a wall, a wall will solve everything." He said as he was suddenly launched into the air again.

But no one could figure out where it came from? What happened to the overgrown Oompa Loompa with bad hair?

"YOU CAN'T SEE ME!" They heard a voice say as they couldn't figure out where it came from, since they couldn't see the man who said it.

"THE BALANCE HAS BEEN RESTORED!" Jaune yelled as he flew up to Pyrrha.

"Come with me..." He said in a sexy voice that nearly made Pyrrha melt.

"Okay..." She said as she took his hand.

They then lived out the rest of their lives in Texas, living a satisfying life of ranching, shooting, fishing, and barbecuing to their hearts intent. Why Texas? Because Texas is the best damn state in the union!

(I'm from Illinois, and I approve of Texas being the best damn state in the union!)

* * *

 **(1) George W Bush American as fuck t shirt**

 **(2) M 60 machine gun**


	2. Politicians Ruin Everything

**Needed to write another chapter, Because I love my country, and because I'm surprised this story turned out so well. Also I was surprised with how many angry messages I got in response to this story. Mostly people harassing me for making fun of the democratic choice for President, well suck it up buttercup. All the presidential candidates sucked this year, so they're free game. Yes, even Mr. BS, he was an asshole too.**

 **Also I had to edit this chapter due to someone messaging me saying I would be reported for violating fanfiction rules, so rather than delete the whole thing, I edited it so people would know what I was talking about, but at the same time, couldn't excuse me of violating any rules.**

 **This chapter isn't really that funny, its just me making fun of politicians.**

* * *

 **JAUNE**

"Well, never expected this would happen." Jaune said as they were currently standing on a stage in front of all of vale.

"Tell me about it, we come back from Texas, we enter the tournament, an invasion starts, and you stop the invasion by bringing General Patton back from the dead, this is now what I expected." Pyrrha said as she was currently dressed in american flag short shorts that Jaune really enjoyed seeing her in.

"We are gathered here today to honor eight brave souls." General Ironwood said as he was in full dress uniform.

"When the attack on Vale started, these eight, Team RWBY and Team JNPR, immediately sprang into action to defend their city, and while I will admit, I still don't understand how the hell they managed to get that crazy cowboy general here, nor do I know where the hell those tanks come from, or why the hell he was screaming about beating Rommel, but whatever the hell happened, they save the city, and may have even saved the world." Ironwood said as he still couldn't wrap his mind around it.

"WHERE IS THAT GERMAN BASTARD?!" General Patton yelled in the background as Jaune promised he would bring Rommel back to life for a fist fight if he helped them repel the Grimm.

"Oops, hold on General Ironwood." Jaune said as he snapped his fingers.

Suddenly a man wearing a desert uniform with an eagle and swastika mark on one of the breast pockets appeared.

"Was? Wie erhielt ich hier?" The german man said as they heard a yell.

"ROMMEL! WE FINALLY MEET!" General Patton yelled as he punched Rommel in the face.

"SIE WEIDER?!" Rommel yelled as he punched the American right back.

"Okay, ignoring the fist fight in the background. We are here to honor these brave sou-" Suddenly they heard a man yell out.

"COWARDS! LOSERS! WAR PROFITEERS!" Everyone turned to see a very large fat man wearing a baseball cap holding a slice of pizza enter the fray.

"No...how did he get here?" Jaune said as he looked at the fat ass.

"Jaune, who is that?" Pyrrha asked as he looked at her.

"One of the world's most evil men...MICHAEL MALONE!" He yelled as the fat slob had to take a break from walking as he was almost having a heart attack. **(1)**

"Don't you people see?! These are not heroes, they are products of the corrupt war machine and capitalist government of your world." He said as he swallowed a hot dog full like he was deep throating it.

Only for a large Ursa to suddenly pop out of nowhere and roar.

"GRIMM!" Ironwood yelled as Jaune stopped him.

"WAIT! Look...he's not attacking." He said as everyone saw the Ursa sniffing around.

"That's odd, it looks...different." Ironwood said as even he was confused at this point.

What the heck was causing the Grimm to act this way. And suddenly it moved to the fat ass and started sniffing him.

"You see?! These Grimm are completely innocent! They couldn't possibly be a part of the attack on Beacon, this one right here proves that those Grimm that attacked you were completely innocent!" He said as he petted its head.

"Did that idiot just suggest that our people didn't see all the Grimm attacking?" Goodwitch said as this guy was getting on her nerves.

"That Grimm isn't attacking because its trying to be nice..." Oobleck said as he saw it rearing up.

"IT'S NOT ATTACKING BECAUSE IT WANTS TO MATE WITH HIM!" Oobleck said as Michael Moore suddenly look at him.

"Wait, what?" He said as he looked back at the Ursa.

Only to find that tiny pink hearts were floating above it as it stared at the fat man with predatory look.

"OH GOOD LORD!" Michael said as he tried to run away.

But he couldn't the years of eating Pizza, and neglecting exercise so he could make money of of gullible people who believe in conspiracy theories was taking its toll. He was breathing heavily as the Grimm was slowly walking towards him. The fat man was now crawling on his hands and knees, wondering what he had done to deserve this. Well, it was probably because he was a despicable asshole. And now he was at the end of his rope. The Grimm stuck a claw at the back of his shorts as Moore felt himself pulled back.

"NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He yelled out as the Grimm mounted him.

"OH SWEET JESUS CHRIST!" Jaune yelled as the screams of horror from Malone, and the screams of Pleasure from the Ursa filled the area they were standing in.

"HOLY SHIT! HOW IS HE NOT DEAD?!" Surprisingly Ozpin said that as he saw the fat man getting violated by the giant Grimm.

"WHY ISN'T ANYONE STOPPING THIS?!" Fat ass yelled out as he noticed some people were just way too dumbfounded at what they were seeing.

"Uh, more importantly, why are we all still watching this?" Ren said as everyone turned and looked at each other.

"Good point, we should move this ceremony somewhere else." Ironwood said as Moore yelled out again.

"DON'T LEAVE ME LIKE THIS!" He yelled as it felt like someone shoved a baseball bat up his ass.

"Sorry Mr. Moore, but there's not much we can do, don't worry, eventually he has to let up." Jaune said as Port leaned over to Oobleck.

"How long can Ursa mate for?" He asked Oobleck as the man pushed his glasses up.

"Well, its unknown, some say that it could last anywhere from five minutes to a whole ten hours." Oobleck said as everyone just listened to the screams of Michael Moore.

 **TEN MINUTES LATER**

"Okay, now that the disturbing imagery back there is out of the way, we can get back to what we were doing, as I was saying, we are gathered here today to recognize-" Ironwood said as he was cut off again.

"I AM BACK!" A voice said as a fireball came crashing down to Remnant.

It was the scary looking woman before, although this time she was even uglier, half of her face had been burned off, showing her to be two faced. Seems like she finally looks like what people think of her.

"Oh god, what the hell? First Moore, and now her?" Jaune said as HC took the stage. **(2)**

"Listen everyone, I know you are scared, but I would just like to say that I would like to run for President of the Kindoms of Remnant." She said as the crowd murmured.

 _"She does realize that we are all four seperate kingdoms right?"_ Velvet said as Goodwitch stepped up.

"First off, we don't have a president, second off, we don't know you and we don't want you." She said as the satanic woman looked mocked.

"But...I am perfectly qualified!" She yelled as Goodwitch glared at her.

"How so?" She asked as the umbridge look a like smirked.

"I am a woman!" She said as Goodwitch smacked her with her riding crop.

"Seriously, who takes this idiot seriously?" She said as she was ready to get another smack in when something weird happened.

"YAHHHH OHHHHH HOOOOO WEEEE!" They looked up to see the orange man from before surprisingly unharmed, falling at terminal velocity towards the two faced liar.

"Oh poop." She said as the both the orange man with the bad hair and the two faced lying bitch made contact causing an explosion of money and blood to suddenly engulf the area.

When the money cleared, or more like when everyone cleaned up the money and stuffed it in their pockets, Jaune just looked on completely dumbfounded.

"Well...At least he did one good thing before he died, he took Clinton with him...thats a beautiful thing. Makes me want to vote for him" He said as it brought a tear to his eye.

"I'M FREE!" They turned to see another elderly man come into the fray.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! THE CURSE IS GONE! I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THAT WITCH ANYMORE!" The man named Bill said as he ran off to the nearest strip club to make up for lost time.

Seriously this day was weird. First that fat ass conspiracy theory documentary jerk off comes and gets mounted by a Grimm. Then two presidential candidates go out with a bang. And now former President Clinton was now currently streaking to the nearest faunus strip club. Could this day get any weirder? Wait, why did he think that?! NO WHY THE HELL DID HE THINK THAT?! Anyone who watches cartoons know that as soon as you say that, something weird is bound to happen.

"SHIT DADDY! I TOLD YOU NOT TO TAKE THAT TURN AT THE GAS STATION!" A large humvee suddenly crashed into the area and stopped in front of the stage.

"Hey, can you boys tell us where we are?" Bush Jr said as Bush Sr was currently behind the wheel while Jeb Bush was crying in the backseat at being the only child left behind for the oval office.

"Uh...here." Jaune said as he opened a portal for them.

"Thanks Jauness!" Bush Jr said as he gave a nickname to the blond boy. And his dad drove the humvee through the blue portal.

"CAN WE STOP GETTING INTERRUPTED!" Qrow yelled out as he wasn't nearly drunk enough for this.

"Okay fine, you eight showed Bravery, so here's a medal. Now if you excuse me, I am going to drink heavily with Qrow over there." Ironwood said as he wanted this damn ceremony over with already.

"Hey cool, mine is red, white and blue." Jaune said as he looked at the medal of bravery around his neck.

"So...what do we do now?" Pyrrha asked as Jaune looked around.

"Honestly, I don't know, seems like this day just keeps getting weirder and weirder, who knows what will happen next." He said as they walked away.

"SOMEONE CALL 9/11!" A woman yelled as JNPR and RWBY ran towards the commotion.

"What happened?" He said as there was a man laying on the ground with a smile on his face.

"One of our dancers Foxy was giving him a show, and he had a heart attack!" The owner said as Foxy looked horrified in the corner.

Foxy was of course a fox faunus, and judging by how she looked, Jaune could see why Bill Clinton seemed to be dying with a smile on his face.

"How do we bring him back?" Pyrrha asked as Ren smirked.

"I'll handle this..." He said as he knelt down and whispered into Mr. Clinton's ear.

"If you die, you will be reunited with Hillary." He said as Bill's eyes widened.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" He yelled as suddenly he was back on his feet.

Well that was easy.

* * *

 **(1) Obviously it's Michael Moore, but I used his name from 'An American Carol'**

 **(2) Obviously Hillary Clinton.**


End file.
